apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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