Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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