No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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