I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
