if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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