Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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