I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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