she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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