I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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