So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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