just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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