Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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