If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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