I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
