my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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