it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
