Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
