I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
