everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
