my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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