Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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