i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
