you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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