i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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