I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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