I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
