I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
