I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
