What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
