dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
and she was petting her beer can
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We left the knife in your bed.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
