Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
