just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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