I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
