I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
