she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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