Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
this beer tastes like vomit already
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
