if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
