she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
