Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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