obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
