No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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