Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
