I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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