I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
