U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
