Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
