If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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