??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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