mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
