My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
