just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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