I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
