He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
