Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
