a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
