Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
