i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
