hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
