I'm gonna have a badass scar
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
