She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it's like iHOP with fire
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
