I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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