There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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