How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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